I tried to please people and make them happy - I never wanted anyone to be disappointed or upset with me. In the early years of my ministry as a counselor and pastor, like many Christian leaders, I had the problem of feeling guilty if I set boundaries. I thought I had to say yes to what people felt they needed from me. They just can’t continue being so helpful and caring all the time! I Thought it Wasn’t Nice to Say No Eventually, they start having problems with anger, resentment, stress overload or burn out. If they don’t have clear personal boundaries and limits they get weighed down and walked on. Usually, people who minister to others as pastors or counselors are sensitive-hearted and prone to take on other people’s problems. At some point they may realize that they’re not being their true, God created and God redeemed self. They may get so enmeshed with the people they care for, trying to continue to please them and walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting them, that they “lose themselves.” They lose track of what they need and what’s important to them or what God has called them to do. They are more readily drawn into trying to rescue other people and without realizing it may end up enabling selfish or irresponsible behavior in the people they’re trying to help. Tired caregivers often have trouble saying no and avoid speaking the truth in love. (Boundary problems are why pastors “fall.”) Problems Setting Boundaries
First of all, because they have needs to be loved and respected as much as anyone else! Secondly, because a ministry leader with weak (poorly defined or insecure) boundaries will eventually become so stressed or emotionally depleted as to be ineffective or inappropriate in helping others. (That’s why it’s not “selfish” or unloving to have boundaries and “take care of yourself.”)Īs I share in my book Your Best Life In Jesus’ Easy Yoke, It’s especially important for pastors, ministry leaders, and other caregivers to learn to set limits for their own soul care. The better your boundaries of self-awareness and self-definition are the greater your capacity to offer empathy and love to others. Good boundaries help you to care for others because you have a stable foundation to operate from and are not distracted or depleted by personal insecurities or blind spots. To know yourself and be secure that you are loved is essential to all relationships and activities.
This is me - what I value, am good at, believe, need, or feel - and that is not me. This is my property and that is not my property. They’re like the property lines around a home. Personal boundaries are what define your identity. He models and mediates for us living in God’s rhythms of grace.īefore we consider the Scriptures on Jesus’ way of life let’s make sure that we understand what our boundaries are and their importance to us and our relationship with the Lord. It’s no wonder we overdo in ministry, get worn out, and even burnout! Jesus had far more stress, far more pressure, and far more responsibility than any of us and yet he remained relaxed, joyful, and generous with people. Most people are surprised when I show them from the Bible examples of Jesus setting boundaries and practicing personal soul care. Problems with setting boundaries are a main reason why many pastors and leaders experience overwhelming ministry stress and eventually burnout. In their helping of others, they’ve become tired, stressed, or burned out. We talk with pastors, leaders, counselors, parents and other caregivers who are struggling to be “cheerful givers” (2 Corinthians 9:7).